Just A Minute

Nick's decisions are more a matter of luck and whim than good management. One egregious case was when Will Self said that Jack Kerouac typed his novel 'On the Road' using a continuous roll of paper instead of separate sheets of paper. Nick disdainfully (even contemptuously) rejected the statement - in spite of the fact that Will was completely correct. 

I know it's harsh to say this, but - to me - Nick's earnest and pompous belief in his own talent and genius is one of the funniest aspects of the show that no-one is willing to acknowledge out loud. 

At times you can hear the palpable intake of breath by players, audience, and listeners around the world  after Nick says something really silly or unfunny.

It grates on me whenever Nick says something banal that he thinks is witty and concludes with "Right" to give the audience time to laugh - which they never do. The pregnant silence afterwards is always filled with the distant chirping of crickets and rolling tumbleweeds.

It has just dawned on me - Nicholas Parsons is a real-life Alan Partridge.

AND WE'RE BACK! 

- One of my personal "Oh! Goody! He's back" performers is Julian Clary. Like Humph on Clue, he can utter the most outrageous 1.5 entendres with the gravity of a statesman and make listeners guffaw when they eventually realise what's going on. Julian is far more clever than many people care to acknowledge.

- Sue Perkins is always welcome, as is Graham Norton. They never grow stale.

- Tony Hawks can be fun when he's not preoccupied with petty (albeit valid) arguments about earning points instead of providing wit and entertainment. Paul knows when a bad decision has been made against him, but the time is not right to pursue it. You can often hear Paul mentally back off a challenge because it's no longer funny or worthwhile, and that winning a point is pointless. Tony sometimes seems to forget that JAM points do not mean prizes. 

Clement was the primary predator in the JAM pond, yet even he sensed when it was time to back off his aggression for the sake of the show (e.g. making ridiculous but funny challenges to give points to other players to even up the scores.) Tony also understands this eventually, but it it sometimes it takes more time than it should.

- There should be a law announced in the Green Room before every show that no player - under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE - is to speak French on the show, because it guarantees to set Nicholas off in his long mock-French performance which embarrasses most of the panel and audience who speak French.

A similar warning should apply for mentioning Scotland which brings on Nick's "I worked on the Clyde for five years as an engineer" accent, which always brings proceedings to an anvil-dropping stop.

Or mentioning Hollywood to Paul.

Or cults to Kenny.

There are multiple-triggers for Gyles - I cringe at his frequent tired references to: Hamlet/omelette, nod to a blind horse, porn mackintosh, first wife, voters rejecting him, Ophelia Balls, etc.

- I'm also weary of the routine where a player buzzes him/herself, gets a point, keeps the subject etc. They've been playing this routine for years as a new and funny gimmick. It's not. I wish Nick would just quickly dismiss as he does repetitions of "and" and "I" etc.  

On a similar score, challenges to repetition of "B" in "BBC" began decades ago with Clement and is now just a dull and dry cliche that just gets in the way.

- Jenny Eclair is a regular player, usually when the 'A-listers' are not available. Jenny is enthusiastic and hard-working but I have not seen her in any other substantial comedic or dramatic role (being Australian I may have missed her doing meaty work on Brit TV or radio) and her contributions are competent rather than sparkling and memorable. I hope Jenny is not a subscriber to this list, but she seems to be an eager yet unremarkable stocking-filler for a panel. She's the rice in a deliciously tasty meal.  Sorry, Jenny.

- It's a shame that Kenny Everett never became a regular on the show. He could have been amazing, given time and a firm directorial hand.

- Sheila Hancock - the longest-serving surviving contestant is still the naughtiest. She has reached the point where she no longer has any time or consideration for the vanities and posturings of fools.  She has uttered more 'buggers' and 'bastards' than any other player, but because she is mature and dignified the words bounce off the critics. She is a confident, caustic delight. I yearn to become her as I age.

- For a long time I assumed that - along with Gyles - that Kit Hesketh-Harvey was gay. Apparently I was wrong. Then Gyles keeps mentioning things like being "Tommy Two-Ways". JAM producers seem to have a rule that every panel needs at least one male player who is gay or at least sounds gay. 

- It took a while for me to truly appreciate the spice that Peter Jones contributed to the show. He was a terrible speaker within the constraints of the show (just as Derek Nimmo was a weird choice as a competitor, considering his stutter) but each of them had value to compensate for their obvious deficiencies. Peter's genius was a brilliant two-second quip just as a subject was ending. 

- For me, Derek was a rather painful blatherskite - a pompous balloon of pretentious Liverpudlian hot air. His endless toe-wiggling and nursery stories were fey and fake.

- I don't care what anyone says. I enjoyed the Lovely Aimi Macdonald. She knew her part in the show, and played it consistently brilliantly - even if she knew she was underestimated as a thinker or a performer. She knew how to work in JAM and did it as a consummate professional.

- Ross Noble, like many other great live performers, does not thrive under the rules of JAM. He does his best, but - like all good storytellers and jokesters - he's gagged and straitjacketed by the artificial constraints of the game. It's such a tragedy whenever a player tries to tell a classic joke or limerick or sing a funny song because it has to be mangled beyond funniness to survive a challenge. 

I wish the BBC had a sister-programme called "Just A Joke" where JAM players could get on air and deliver their funniest jokes just to get it out of their systems. I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue has recently had segments where players just tell jokes, and that is the funniest bit of the whole programme. I don't understand why there isn't a regular program where funny people can just tell classic jokes in their own individual way.  
Dear BBC - you can send me an invoice, for I now own the concept.

- Graham Norton is a treasure. It's amazing how he can side-slip into whimsical and parenthetical comments to eat up time yet retain the flow of the narrative and keep the audience's attention. He's a natural storyteller and verbal marvel. He could lecture at Oxford on The Use of Voice in Radio. And of course, he's a master of the use of complementary facial expression - but this tends to work better on TV.

- I love Liza Tarbuck's voice, even if I keep mistaking her for Sue Perkins.

Feel free to disagree. 

Disagreement is where the real fun begins.

Mark

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Mark