The BBC has asked me to pick some favourite Clement lines. I did this
fairly quickly but thought the group might like to see them.
If you have any to add, please do
1.
this show was on the first JAM cassette - the show's broadcast date was
2 January 1993
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam16.html
includes this classic line on the subject of records
"The great thing about Virgin Records is that they have no holes in
them. "
2.
this show was on the Silver Minutes tapes released in 1992 - the
original show was broadcast on 18 April 1981 and came as you can imagine
after a dispute with Nicholas - the subject is "cheek"
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam487.html
CF: Cheek is when someone of diminished responsibility goes to the
British Broadcasting Corporation and elects to be chairman of a panel
game. On the basis that he might have some idea of how to control people
whose multi-syllabic words he doesn’t understand, whose meaning he is
unable to comprehend and whose hours and time he is unable to keep. I’ve
now said unable three times, and because nobody’s interrupted me, only...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Well, I’m not interrupting because I’m enjoying it!
3.
In the same year, this is a classic example of Clement going the whole
60 seconds (he does it three times in this show) - but this shows him
timing the payoff for the last second - 14 March 1981, subject is the
best putdown I ever heard
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam479.html
CF: The best putdown I ever heard was exceedingly short, as are all good
putdowns. And in a game in which you have to waffle for 60 seconds, and
best being not a word that one can conditionalise in any way, I will
have to give you the build-up to this putdown, in order that the short
sentence with which I will end my speech may not be outside the rules of
Just A Minute. It was a summer evening in Aberdeen. It was raining
slightly and the mist was coming down from the hills. And at the
banqueting hall in the Royal Station Hotel, the head waiter nudged the
main speaker and said “functions are about to begin, it is up to you to
open your mouth”. And Mister Gladstone, who was there on this occasion,
was introduced at such very great length by so boring a man that when he
was finally told “and now we come to the Prime Minister to give his
address”, the aforementioned gentleman said “Ten Downing Street...”
WHISTLE
4.
This is one of his better lines which he used a few times - for example
on 1 March 2004
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam542.html
NP: Yes! Right Clement, you listened well, 28 seconds, dressing for
dinner starting now.
CF: My favourite proposition used to be people saying to me “will you
come upstairs and make love to me?” And now I have to reply “one or the
other”!
5.
this is a good line from 9 January 1993
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam32
CF: I’d like to tell rather a nice story about Gascoigne who is known as
Gazza, a footballer who plays for Lazio and was asked by a coach
whether...
WHISTLE
NP: And we’ll never know! Was it worth finishing or not Clement?
CF: I think it probably is yes. When Gazza played his first game for
Lazio, the coach said to him "do your best and we’ll pull you off at
halftime". And Gazza said "oh that’ll be a change, at Tottenham they
gave us oranges".
6.
This is from 12 January 2004 on "poetic licence"
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam526.html
There was an old man from Japan,
Whose poetry never could scan,
When asked reasons why,
He replied with a sigh,
“Well you see it’s like this, I always try to get as many words into the
last line as I possibly can.
7.
This is a good quicky from 14 March 2005 - it was on the 40th
anniversary clips programme last year
http://www.geocities.com/deanbedford/jam582.html
NP: And we begin the show with Clement Freud. Clement, the subject is
answering back. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.
CLEMENT FREUD: Shan't!
8.
Another quick clever remark, subject is queuing at the supermarket
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam517.html 31 July 1982
CF: I don’t mind queues to get into a supermarket so much, but resent
deeply that once you are in there, they make you stand in a queue to get
out.
9.
I like this too - from 11 March 2002
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam458.html
NP: Paul the subject now is the best way to win a bonus point. That is
the subject, it’s your turn to begin so you start now.
PM: The best way to win a bonus point is to flatter Nicholas! Let me
show you how it works. Mister Parsons, you are a wonderful chairman! I
can’t imagine how this programme would survive without you!
BUZZ
PM: Still, let’s give it a go!
NP: (laughs) Clement Freud challenged.
CF: I can!
10.
This is from last year at Edinburgh -18 August 2008
http://www.geocities.com/deanbedford/jam730.html
NP: Clement you challenged first, 33 seconds, you tell us something
about the highlight of my day starting now.
CF: The highlight of my day this morning was when I walked into my hotel
lift and inadvertently hit a woman quite hard into the front. And I
apologised to her, explaining that if her bosom, if her heart... I made
a mess of that...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged you.
PM: Well if that's the highlight of your day, I... hesitation.
NP: Yes and deviation too.
CF: Can I finish that story?
PM: Yeah you can finish the story.
NP: You can finish the story.
CF: Okay, I banged against this woman with my elbow, and we were both
startled, and I said "if your heart is as soft as your bosom, you will
forgive me," and she said "if your willy is as hard as your elbow, I'm
in Room 264."